Five characters who did nothing wrong

Some characters in Rare's games and the extended media aren't exactly bad guys, but they do get punished severely for something they can't help... or didn't even do. I decided to focus on some of those poor saps in this particular issue.

5. Roysten the goldfish

We owe a lot to Roysten. His fishy self merely appearing somewhere manages to make works take place in the same universe, and his rhythmic knocking against his bowl is music to my ears. But he performs a thankless job and always ends up on the barbeque.

In Banjo-Tooie, you graciously save him from death by suffocation by dropping him off in Spiral Mountain's moat. He even teaches you how to swim faster and gives you extra air to make swimming easier. But in the end? He just ends up on Bottles' plate, burned, alongside his chips. Yeesh.

Oh yes it is.

4. Eddie the Mean Ol' Yeti

I mean, c'mon. He's obviously just a guy who has anger issues and likes his peace and quiet. Even when he keeps everyone awake by banging against the walls, he's not doing it to bother anyone. He's just being cranky.

In one episode while trying to woo Candy Clone by singing a song, sublime in its simplicity, about how he likes snow and ice and wishes to fornicate with the robotic ape lady. But in the same song, he reveals he isn't even old, nor is he really that mean.
This is proven that he only gets mad when some apes from the jungle come to steal the barrel that rained down on him. Even when they propose to trade, he burns his hand on a match. Eventually he gets pumelled by a bunch of Kritters as well.

Even worse is when you consider that in a world without Donkey Kong as shown in the subtly-titled It's a Wonderful Life, he's a friendly Guardian Angel Yeti. This means that somehow, DK made him how he is. It's not explained, but the implications are concerning.

I feel the same way when I see that old Fox Kids logo. Nostalgia is a powerful thing.

The Donkey Kong theory

Sure, another theory. Except this one is one of my favourites.

So anyway. We all know the amazing Donkey Kong Country games and the... less-than-amazing Donkey Kong Country animated series. I loved the TV show a while back, around three or four years ago. But now, I'm re-watching it in amusing annotated form and now that I look back at it, I find it being less than impressive. Not because of the differences from the game, but rather because the characters sometimes get on my nerves. But this is not about that. This is about the theory that I imaginatively call 'The Donkey Kong Theory'.

The theory itself is as follows; The Donkey Kong Country TV show is a prequel to the games.

Why would I have such a bone-headed idea? Cranky would probably call me a big baboon (he calls everyone a big baboon) and I wouldn't blame him. Some things would make sense, though. For example, take Cranky, only because he's playable in Tropical Freeze (which is great) and also because he'll call me a big baboon if I don't tell about him first (which is not great.)

 

Honestly, Cranky's show design is quite faithful to his original design. The only thing that differs is his beard, which is shorter in the cartoon. Of course this is because back then, emulating hair with CGI was considered the most impossible thing that ever was impossible, but from a theory viewpoint, it would make sense -- it didn't have the time to grow to the length it is currently! As for his tendency to break the fourth wall in the games, we'll get to that later.

Donkey Kong is on the go, and brought some friends along!

I don't have much to say about this other than the fact it's the best thing I've seen all day, all week. A sharp contrast to a disappointing recent episode of my favourite modern cartoon.

Things that I found interesting and awesome to note;

• DIXIE KONG! She actually returns and is playable, for the first time in about five years.
• DK Isle appears to be overrun with Vikings based on arctic animals. Vikings are technically pirates, so maybe they are indeed kind of going for a theme similar to Donkey Kong Country 2: Diddy's Kong Quest? (This could also mean K. Rool might appear as well!)
• The gorgeous graphics. Seriously, the graphics. I affectionately called Donkey Kong Country Returns 'Scenery Porn; The Game', and I might just as well call this one 'Scenery Porn; The Game; The Sequel'.
• The archetypes. They seem to deriver slightly from the archetypes of the original DKC 2, which is of course a good thing.

The game is called Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze and will appear on the Wii U. ...I suddenly realized I need a Wii U now, more than everything.

Also useful to note - the next installment in the Smash Bros. franchise has finally been announced, and our beloved Donkey Kong has already managed to gather enough popularity to appear on the official site - and on a buttload of Tumblr pages.

I honestly can't really blame anyone.

(Also, I classified the Donkey Kong games in categories in the same vein people classify animated movies. The Silent Age of DK will be used to refer to the Arcade games. The Golden Age of DK will refer to Donkey Kong Country and its sequels, as well as Donkey Kong 64. The Dark Age of DK will refer to what happened to DK post-buyout, while the Renaissance Age of DK refers to Retro's recent and immensely awesome involvement with the big guy. Let's hope it lasts!)