Friday, 5 December 2014

Five characters who did nothing wrong

Some characters in Rare's games and the extended media aren't exactly bad guys, but they do get punished severely for something they can't help... or didn't even do. I decided to focus on some of those poor saps in this particular issue.

5. Roysten the goldfish

We owe a lot to Roysten. His fishy self merely appearing somewhere manages to make works take place in the same universe, and his rhythmic knocking against his bowl is music to my ears. But he performs a thankless job and always ends up on the barbeque.

In Banjo-Tooie, you graciously save him from death by suffocation by dropping him off in Spiral Mountain's moat. He even teaches you how to swim faster and gives you extra air to make swimming easier. But in the end? He just ends up on Bottles' plate, burned, alongside his chips. Yeesh.

Oh yes it is.

4. Eddie the Mean Ol' Yeti

I mean, c'mon. He's obviously just a guy who has anger issues and likes his peace and quiet. Even when he keeps everyone awake by banging against the walls, he's not doing it to bother anyone. He's just being cranky.

In one episode while trying to woo Candy Clone by singing a song, sublime in its simplicity, about how he likes snow and ice and wishes to fornicate with the robotic ape lady. But in the same song, he reveals he isn't even old, nor is he really that mean.
This is proven that he only gets mad when some apes from the jungle come to steal the barrel that rained down on him. Even when they propose to trade, he burns his hand on a match. Eventually he gets pumelled by a bunch of Kritters as well.

Even worse is when you consider that in a world without Donkey Kong as shown in the subtly-titled It's a Wonderful Life, he's a friendly Guardian Angel Yeti. This means that somehow, DK made him how he is. It's not explained, but the implications are concerning.

I feel the same way when I see that old Fox Kids logo. Nostalgia is a powerful thing.

3. Bloopy the Dinosaur

I always like to think that Conker isn't a bad guy. It's just the world around him that's screwed up and it turns him bad. Throughout the game, he turns more and more rotten, because he knows nobody's gonna be nice to him and he's just doing everything for money.

Bloopy the Dinosaur proves the exception to the rule, that my squirrel husband Conker can be a huge douche when he wants to be. After sitting on an egg for goodness knows how long...

I mean, look at him, the little nerd.

...a friendly purple dinosaur emerges that sees the small fuzzy creature in front of him as his mommy. With his huge eyes and cute voice, he's definitely in the running for the title "Cutest Character Nobody Cares About." Anyway, Conker leads him away, where he helpfully disposes of the cavemen that were a bother earlier.
And then Conker gives him a big hug and tells him how much he loves him.

Actually, not really. He chuckles a bit after setting the tot on a pedestal and outright murders him in cold blood to advance further in the level. 

I love you, you love mwhat's that big flat thing slowly falling towards me

2. The Fifth Ruffian

One episode of Viva Piñata tells the story of Pester and how he came to be a villainy villain. It's one of my favourite episodes, 'cause it's hilarious and features a younger Pester with a ridiculous hairdo on his mask 'cause screw logic!
While out in a huge villain hotel adorned by various posters of Gruntilda, he meets a group of rowdy Ruffians that just want to party all the time. Noticable is a fifth Ruffian with a mohawk and a banjo. I identify a lot with this Ruffian, 'cause I have a banjo too. Guh-huh.

At some point, Pester is brewing an evil potion to make evil Piñatas to ruin parties all around the world 'cause he's a dick like that. The Ruffians are spying on him, probably trying to think of some way to get him to join their damn party. The fifth Ruffian pushes one because he was getting in his way, to which he gets pushed himself... only to fall into the muck Pester was brewing.

Not soon after the piñatas emerge, we only see the mask float up.

Keep in mind that under the masks, it's heavily implied that the Ruffians are human children. What's it with Rare and Dead Baby Comedy? It's a wonder this got past 4Kids' censors.

1. George and Mildred Ice Cube

Of course, these two. Mildred and George are a loving couple that got separated by fate. George ends up in Cloud Cuckooland, far above the island, Mildred is still in Hailfire Peaks.

George asks Banjo and Kazooie to give him a push -- it's okay! He's calculated that he's exactly above the ice side! But he's made a fatal error and ends up in the hot pool in the fire side instead. He melts to nothingness, his last words being "Tell Mildred I love h...". Mildred suffers a similar fate, getting bill-drilled for a Jinjo inside her. "Tell George his dinner is in the..."

Sorry, he did WHAT? Banjo-Kazooie; Rated E?

Really, they didn't do anything wrong, and ended up dead anyway. Much like everyone else on this list. Except Eddie. Eddie found a new life as a DK alternate in Smash Bros., and under his new alias Super Kong, proves to be better at adventuring than DK is. Bless his snowy soul.

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