Sunday, 27 January 2013

3 characters crueler than K. Rool

We all know the Donkey Kong Country cartoon. If you have been following this blog for a while, I'm sure you do. And most people don't like it as much, but I am convinced it is as good as the games, just in a totally different way. To accentuate my point, I feel the need to point out I went out of my way to download the entire series to my PC for the sole reason of making shallow parodies of it.

Well then, all silliness aside, let's start this thing off.

In DK lore, there have been three true villains - namely King K. Rool (under different aliases), Ghastly King, and Tiki Tong.

K. Rool was just some asshole who decided to troll DK by stealing the banana hoard, Ghastly King was an evil monkey from SPACE that wanted to rule over the Fruit Kingdoms for no real reason and Tiki Tong stole the banana hoard to keep his race alive and possibly take over the world. Fair share of hindrances, right? It is nothing compared to the vast amount of baddies Mario fought in the past, but this is mostly to blame on the fact that Nintendo obviously favours Mario over Donkey Kong. Which is saddening, because they debuted in the same game.

Anyway, K. Rool and co. were typical antagonists, setting up the games' plot. But what about those other characters who had done unspeakable things people presumably forgot all about because they weren't the main villains?

(note that this article is meant to not be taken entirely seriously and is here for humorous purposes only.)

3. Bluster Kong

Bluster Kong is one of the show-only characters, and nearly everybody who doesn't appreciate the show blames their dislike of it on Bluster. I honestly don't blame them - while this specific Kong provides a lot of humorous scenes and dialogue and I don't mind him, he takes up a lot of space, having three episodes with him in the limelight.

"Don't blame me! That miserable Donkey Kong was already hogging the spotlight in the games!"

He's a pathetic mommy's boy, constantly whining about his mother and whenever he has to do manual labor, all hell breaks loose. Figuratively, of course. Bluster can't really... do anything. He's not strong, he can't jump high, and he certainly isn't a hell of a guy. He also has a grudge towards Donkey Kong, for the sole reason that DK is constantly hitting on Candy, the only adult female ape in the cartoon who isn't Bluster's mom or Great Aunt Grouchy. Bluster is not happy with this because he too has an eye on Candy, to the point where he gets a bit desperate in some episodes, like in A Thin Line Between Love and Ape, where he makes a love potion to make her love him.


The episode Bad Hair Day, AKA the only episode most people know of, had him being introduced as another all-around jerk. Fair enough. But eventually, Donkey Kong loses his hair (and his muscles) and Cranky makes a potion to make it grow back. Candy and Bluster set out to find DK. Eventually, in the jungle, Bluster complains that "I can't walk anymore! My feet are sore, I've got sand in my shoes, and I'm thirsty!" leading to him snatching the potion from Candy. He empties the bottle on the ground.

The true reason he didn't appear in the games is because Nintendo wanted to re-name him Douchebag Kong, but such a name obviously didn't fare well with the E-rating.

It ends up turning into a banana tree, leading everybody to know that bananas are the cure.

But still; Bluster did not know this beforehand. He even says; "Who cares if K. Rool wins? Donkey Kong will be out of my hair! I can't stand that guy!" Meaning, he was practically going to let Donkey Kong be bludgeoned to death or something like that by K. Rool's cronies and let them take over Kongo Bongo all for some stupid grudge he held. Needless to say, Bluster failed to take home the Kongo Bongo citizen of the year award.

2. Krusha

Okay, so what about Krusha. He is a bad guy. An obvious, hulking, snaggle-toothed, muscular, somehow-quite-adorable bad guy. Then why is he on this list? Wasn't this list only about non-villainous characters? Well, allow me to elaborate. Krusha might be a bad guy, but that's only really because K. Rool says so, really. He's big, he's bad, and he's got the demeanor of a child.

No clue how he made it to be K. Rool's bodyguard because sometimes it seems as if he needs guarding himself.

He's slow but happy and just goes along with whatever it is Klump has thought of, which usually doesn't help much in K. Rool's plans of taking over the world.


"I like evil, glorious evil, I like evil so much I could SCREAM!"

Yep, he turns evil alright. In the episode Speed (which was unable to be accessed in high-quality until a few weeks ago!) Klump accidentally drives over him in a mine cart he just got for K. Rool. (Sheesh. Klump's crush on K. Rool is starting to get really obvious. I mean, giving mine carts to people is a great way to say "I love you and I want to conquer the world with you", right?) It sounds worse than it actually is. Krusha didn't really suffer major damage from the impact. That is... we think he didn't.

He gets up and scolds Klump for not being able to control that cart. Suddenly using big and fancy words - much like K. Rool - he tells his King a new and better way to steal the Crystal Coconut. Klump is annoyed that he doesn't get much love and kisses from K. Rool attention as he used to, but he's still deadly afraid of whatever it is evil!Krusha will do if he gets in the way, so he keeps put. After a failed plan, Krusha retreats to the lair and sings a song about how much he loves being evil, creeping out K. Rool. He then says the Crystal Coconut is 'his' and asks K. Rool "Any recollection of why I'm referred to as... Krusha?" which spooks the King so much he hides behind Klump and tells him to go and get 'his' coconut, albeit begrudgingly.

So, let's get to the evil part. Krusha rigged an explosive device to a mine cart. If it stops, it explodes. He puts Candy Clone in it, hoping to attract DK and blow him into millions of tiny gorilla pieces. But things go awry and instead Diddy and Dixie end up in the cart. Eventually, things happen and the Crystal Coconut ends up in a cart too, as well as K. Rool. Klump pleads to Krusha to spare him, but Krusha deems K. Rool as disposable.

Eventually, the bomb was boomless and Krusha went back to normal and everyone was safe near the episode's end, but can we just say that Krusha was just going to let K. Rool die because he regarded him as disposable?


1. That freaking beetle in Angry Aztec and Crystal Caves

In the game Donkey Kong 64, a minor NPC was a brightly-coloured beetle with sneakers that made the most annoying sound known to mankind whenever you lost its race, taunting you for no other reason that he was a complete and total jerkwad. He gave a Golden Banana would you win, so for 101% completion, he simply had to be beaten not once but twice, a task much too tedious for me when I was younger. And even if you gave your all and tried your utmost best and accidentally fell into a ditch, the little bastard would still say; "Try to stay on the track like me!"

You know I don't hate, but I admit I was close to doing so to this thing.


He said it was just for fun, those races of his. Fun, yeah, sure! They had awesome music and beautiful background scenery, as to expect from a Rare game. But the controls were slippery and that beetle, oh, he was just being the biggest troll ever. Thank goodness that race didn't concern button-mashing (I still haven't beaten Banjo-Tooie's last Canary Mary race, ergh!) but collecting enough coins AND finishing before that little piece of vermin took me at least twenty tries. And then to think that I was a few milliseconds earlier the time I won. I'm sure some of you wished he dropped into the lava sometimes.

And when I had finally gotten that Golden Banana... I had never been so pleased at a fictional character's loss before in my life.

That beetle is just pure evil. No reason required. He just is the evilest thing to ever appear in anything related to DK.

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