Whose show is it anyway

And now, it's time for something completely different.

Sorry for not posting much here. School has been eating me alive. That, and I've found out about the Regular Show and for some reason this cartoon has captivated me. (I might or might not have a crush on Mordecai now and I have no clue why.) But do not worry, this doesn't mean BeJungle'd will turn into, uh... something centered around that. Although the show is awesome, trying to think of logic behind it is a lost cause. And I'll always love Donkey Kong Country.

I have been writing on this article for a few months now, so some thoughts might be outdated.

The Donkey Kong animated series (there I go again) isn't too well-received on the internet, for shame. Though I hear much people saying it isn't good, I personally find it quite clever, and much more fun to watch than most recent cartoons (sans the Regular Show, of course, which is clever. Other clever cartoons are Adventure Time and uh... more stuff.) Ahem. Moving on...

What would a Donkey Kong cartoon be like if I was in charge?

In no way an insult to Nelvana's work, by the way. They've done amazing work. I just wondered how it would be if I was allowed to write it.

Warning; we are now moving into highly unstable Loads and Loads of Characters territory. Approach with caution.

1. The Kong Clan

Primary main characters would be Donkey Kong, Diddy, and Dixie. These three are just what makes DKC to me.

Keep Diddy's personality from the show with a bit of added 'tough kid' attitude, make DK a bit tougher and make Dixie more cheeky, like a female equivalent of Diddy. I'm not certain about the voices, but I am certain that Andrew Sabiston should return as Diddy Kong 'cause I find his Diddy to be the best Diddy portrayal so far.

Watch out, Dix! I'mma pop ur bubblegum!

The secondary cast would consist of Kiddy (taking the role of Baby Kong), Tiny (in either her original design or the newer, I don't know. Maybe the original because I'm tired of seeing her recent design being portrayed as fetish fuel all the time.), Funky, and Cranky. Tertiary characters would be Candy, Swanky, Chunky, and Lanky.
Less about DK gushing over Candy and more interaction with his family. Add fluff. Lots of fluff.
Quartiary characters? Hell, Bluster can return too.

Not much to it. Let's move onto my personal favourites...

2. The Kremling Krew

Properly labelled as such this time, the Kremling Krew still consists of Klump and Krusha with K. Rool as the leader. Though this time they're accompanied by Kalypso, the fair lady lizard with the awesome pink hairdo and Kludge, that big, hulking blue dude that apparently has the mindset of a small child (even moreso than Krusha). Sometimes Kritters, Kip and Kass, Kopter, and some others tag along as well. Kruncha is Krusha's slightly flamboyant cousin, and Krusha may or may not undergo a name change thanks to copyrights. For the sake of simplicity I will just refer to him as Krusha.

K'Rool's gang of evul dudes (and two dudettes) continue to wreak havoc on DK Isle for no reason. Well, except to steal the Crystal Coconut. Again? Yup. And the banana hoard. But here's the catch; they want the coconut 'cause it's the only thing that can tell the true location of the bananas, which are much-renowned golden bananas! Heh. I'm a friggin' genius. /brag





To begin with, I'd see K. Rool as a bumbling egomaniac who's not really honestly evil... he just really wants the Crystal Coconut. Between his tough-yet-gentlemanly-yet-sometimes-ill-mannered exterior, he's secretly quite a softy, a feminist, and a romantic which he rarely shows. But when he loves you, he loves you.
He's very self-centered and thinks he's the most beautiful fat lizard to ever walk the earth, claiming his big gut is a sign of good wealth.

Kalypso could be compared to Candy in the original show, except she's even more of a 'tsundere' and a bit tougher. She doesn't let herself be bossed around. Klump has a crush on her, though she barely notices him, as she fancies K. Rool more than just about anything and will do anything to impress him. She's on good terms with the King, and is mostly in charge of everything when The Original Three (K. Rool, Klump, and Krusha) go out to do evil deeds, being a dependable leader figure. She also has a clubhouse on the beach where the Krew sometimes hangs out.

Klump? What about Klump? Since I'm in charge, I make it obvious he has an immense amount of adoration towards his King, so far that it could even be called a crush. What do you mean, it's a kids' show? I'm in charge, dang it! And personally I find it horribly silly how characters of the same gender can't usually show that they love each other in cartoons these days.

Krusha is shy rather than dull-witted. Meaning, he's clever enough when he needs to be. He's just quiet and prefers just silently following after Klump, loyal as a dog. My backstories here are in effect as well, as in that he got orphaned when he was just born and adopted by Klump and partially K. Rool too. When severely pissed off, is nightmarishly dangerous for some reason. His mannerisms, such as conveying his emotions without words and acting more animalistic than the others, are extremely similar to that of Toothless, the dragon from the hit animated film How To Train Your Dragon. Why? Because.

Kludge is all muscle, little brain. He has even more the demeanor of a small child and eats a lot. Though when provoked can cause quite some damage. A bit slow and thus is easily fooled, which gets exploited a lot by the younger members of the Kong Clan. An idea I have that in one episode, Diddy makes him think he's a Kong, leading to a lot of complications between the two clans.

The others are just kinda... there. I'd see Kopter as somewhat of a nerd ("I'd say we put that here and that there and K'Rool, you're a fatso."), Kip and Kass as 'those two kids' who sometimes have to be babysat ("When are these snot-nosed brats leavin' again, King K'Rool, sir?" "Shush, Klump! Don't let them hear that...! They'll tattle-tale to their mom and I'd never see Kalypso again!") And the Kritters are just Kritters.

3. Animal Buddies

Sadly absent in the TV show - leaving much people to criticize it even more - the Animal Buddies could be a nice add-on. Instead of DK doing everything by himself, he sometimes calls the aid of Rambi the Rhino upon him. Also functions as his trusty steed, when he's not out and about eating leaves. (Yep, leaves. Not grass, seeing as Rambi bears more similarities to a black rhinoceros than a white one, which have pointy lips to allow them to eat leaves easier. This animal fact was brought to you by Animal Planet.)

Every Kong has their own buddy. Diddy has Expresso, Dixie has Squawks, Lanky has Enguarde, Tiny has Parry the Parallel Bird (who may or may not go out on his own adventures and fight evil scienti-- oh, that's Perry, my bad) Cranky has Winky because that's one of the few buddies he actually likes, Candy has Ellie the Elephant as the only lady animal, Kiddy has Squitter, and Funky has Rattly because snakes are cool and Funky is cool. Bluster is useless, so he has a blue Squawks that can't spit eggs.

The buddies behave much like regular animals. Except... more like as if they were pets. Rambi pants and is just a big dog. Expresso behaves much like a real ostrich, except evading the dreaded 'ostrich-sticking-his-head-in-sand' stereotype. And so on.

What about Polly Roger? Still there and working for Skurvy and K. Rool off-and-on, he's more well-versed than the rest of the parrots. Meaning, Squawks, Quawks and Flapper CAN talk, but not as well. They're more like speech-impaired animals. Polly also gets a re-design, because frankly his lack of a proper tail irks me. His colouring is still a bit odd, but there's not much I can do about that and make him look the same.

You might hear I mentioned Skurvy. Which brings us to...

4. Captain Skurvy and his Krew

Yup, Skurvy. The evilest, cruelest pirate to ever sail the six seas. A Kremling, too.

I'd portray Skurvy as ruthless, ill-mannered, and disgusting. But with a hidden layer - he can be quite sensible when it concerns his little brother Klump. Yes, they're brothers. This leads to a lot of conflicts between K. Rool and Skurvy, but sometimes Klump sneaks out to adventure together with his big bro, much to the pirate's crew's chagrin. When hanging around with his bro, Klump is known as Kannon among the Krew. Most indeedy. After the manual for Donkey Kong Country 2: Diddy's Kong Quest mentioned that Kannon was just Klump in a pirate get-up.

And what about his crew... Still consists of Kutlass and Green Kroc, except with their names altered slightly to fit in with the Kremlings' theme naming. Kutlass is the green guy, and Green Kroc is the small guy that isn't even green. This could be the base for a lot of funny moments where the two are confused for each other. (I mean, even the original show got their names wrong.) Aside them, the crew is expanded with more. There's Kaboing, a nutcase with springs in his peg-legs that believes coconuts are aliens, and Klinger, a scrawny Kremling that is the only female in the group. Though she's just as tough as the rest of the krew, but with a slightly girly side - meaning, she squees over kittens (Klaptraps in this case) and is somewhat of a stalker-with-a-crush around Klump. This obviously irks Skurvy a bit. Yeah, she's... wait for it... clingy. I'm a comedy genius. Except not really.

Skurvy himself looks practically the same. Except for one minor detail. He's lost his leg. It is replaced by a wooden peg-leg. One plot point I wish to cover is how he has a raging feud with Squiddicus, the octopus that haunts Kongo Bongo's waters. Squiddicus bit off his leg once and he's vowing to kill the beast to avenge his missing limb.

Alongside K. Rool, Skurvy is a secondary villain, sometimes appearing to steal the Crystal Coconut as well with his crew. Obviously, this leads to a lot of conflicts. But they're not the only ones...

5. The Tiki Tak Tribe

Yes. The Tikis, sentient musical instruments/wooden voodoo puppets/floating heads that everybody seems to hate will also make a return in my imaginary DK cartoon. Led by the powerful Tiki Tong, they are a genderless force to be reckoned with. Though in the end... they're still made out of wood.

Tiki Tong's and the rest of the more important Tiki's empty husks were created by King K. Rool one day as a foil to steal the Kongs' prized possessions some time between the happenings of DK64 and King of Swing. He called the help of Great Aunt Grouchy's (a relative of Cranky's) trusty tome to find some spells to voodoo them to life. But it went awry. Instead of being obedient to his master, Tiki Tong began leading his own life. Retreating into his own private inner sanctum inside the volcano, he ordered his underlings to retrieve the banana hoard, which he used to create new Tikis - Tiki Goons, Tiki Tanks and anymore Tikis that weren't obviously individuals, such as Kalimba, Gong, and Banjo (Not THAT Banjo!). Bananas were what gave them their life force - and since Tiki Tong wasn't a dummy, he found it out himself. Thus, DKC Returns happened.

The Tikis communicate in a language that consists of music. When they speak, translations appear on screen.  I personally think this is pretty clever. It could also give them a lot of leitmotifs. Also, musical numbers. More on this later.
Except for Tiki Tong. Since he is a huge floating head, he can just talk. And talking is what he does, in a hammy way, hammier than K. Rool, even, with a loud, booming voice. He is deadly afraid of fire because of obvious reasons. Even though he lives in a volcano.

The Tikis behave much like a sitcom family. All have distinct personalities - Kalimba Tiki is the oldest. He's also thinks he is the best. The Maraca Triplets are the kids that usually stir up trouble. Gong is a soft-spoken individual who just tries to be nice. Banjo is... uh, he can be compared to that OTHER Banjo. (I know he is actually an ukulele but WHATEVER. Banjo is funnier because reasons.) There's also Panflute who's fluttery and lofty-headed and sort of a comic relief, and Xylophone and Accordion just kind of stick together even though their music sounds horrible when they do. The Tiki Tong Tower is their actual home, which is deep in the volcano.

They conflict a lot with the Kremlings and the Kongs, though some of the Tikis are on friendly terms with either of them. K. Rool and Skurvy both usually have troubles with Tiki Tong because he wants the bananas. Although he doesn't know about the Crystal Coconut. The Kong Klan, K. Rool's Krew, Skurvy's Scallywags, and the Tiki Tak Tribe sometimes have to work together as well. Why?

6. Rogue Kongs from SPACE!

Yep. I have not yet played Donkey Kong: Jungle Beat, but it did introduce some cool ideas. Like the new animal buddies and the villainous Kongs. I have a theory that DK in this game is actually Cranky in his young years, so obviously Cranky will recall things from his past - that was this game.

Led by the evil Ghastly King, the gang of rogue Kongs plan to take over the world. They're the truest evil in the entire show. DK wants bananas because hell, he's an ape. K. Rool just wants bananas so he would be the most powerful being on the island, because frankly, having bananas means power. Skurvy wants bananas so he can sell them and get rich. Tiki Tong wants bananas so he can keep his race alive. But Ghastly King just wants to take over the world. Since he's a Kong, DK finds it is his responsibility to stop him. (Actually, Cranky told him to. DK's too lazy to do something like that himself.) And thus the others get involved as well.

But there's MORE!... I wanted to introduce minor characters from past games such as Xananab, the Banana Bird Queen, the Brothers Bear, and the bosses, but you know what? That's a bit overkill. Maybe they can have small cameo appearances, or be single-episode characters.

7. Food for thought

Obviously, religion plays a big part in people's lives. Not me, 'cause I have my own sense of logic and refuse to listen to people. But alas. Most shows bring in their own sort of religions, so why can't My Imaginary DK Cartoon?

The Crystal Coconut is their deity. This doesn't mean the Kongs go pray to it, but they do regard it as a holy object. The Kremlings on the other hand worship the Crocodile Core, which was what kept the now-defunct Crocodile Isle afloat. Why do I mention this at all when it barely has anything to do with the plot? Because I don't think monkeys would go 'Oh my God'. Instead, these monkeys go 'Oh my Coconut' because they have no knowledge of human religion. Likewise, the Kremlings usually say 'Oh my Core'. But if this is too much, I can easily replace the words with 'gosh'.

8. Musical numbers

In my opinion, the musical numbers were actually quite clever and added a new layer to a show that would otherwise be pretty bland. Not to mention some of them actually sound quite awesome. And the idea of villains singing is just awesome to me okay thanks.

Of course, with the Tiki's music-language, it would make way for a lot of cool ideas for songs. Though I'm not sure, the musical numbers would be great. Of course, some soundtracks from the game should be exported as well. David Wise and Grant Kirkhope work freelance, anyway... Either of them should do the soundtrack, or at least bits and pieces of it. It'd be all kinds of amazing.

But not every episode has them. Some have musical numbers, some don't. I don't get the hate the original musical numbers get, though. I mean, the games had amazing music, so why can't the show try to approach that feeling?

9. Animation

CGI, no duh. I hate how CGI gets so much hate. Ugh. It can be just as gorgeous as traditional animation! Both are amazing! I do have an idea that some parts could be animated in 2D animation. The musical numbers, perhaps. Sure, it'll be expensive, but so pretty.

The original cartoon had what I call 'suspicious 2D-animation' when characters' shadows appeared. I thought this was pretty amazing, though subtle, even though it was probably just to save on money.

10. Merchandise

I just really want a Klump plushie, sob. Of course, if it gets popular enough, it'd have toys released, much like the original cartoon in Japan. DK and crew (<3), K. Rool and his cronies (<3) and Skurvy and his men (<3) and possibly the Tikis too (<3).

I just think plushies would be really cute, okay. <3 Some playsets and action figures would be swell, too.

11. Reception

And then you'll see that it gets poorly received and won't last for more than two seasons. Sigh...