Saturday, 8 September 2012

Top nine of most far-fetched, ridiculous headcanons

Little did I know that when I started this blog, that theories and brain blemishes would actually have a name; headcanon. Like canon, except in your head. Allow me to explain: Canon means the creators said so. Example? Canon: DK wears a tie with his initials. Headcanon: he received the tie from Cranky on his 15th birthday. Headcanon is a nice word, too. Rolls off the tongue much better than fantalk, which was derived from the less-than-polite word fanwank. Capiche?

Let's be said that I have a lot of headcanons. A bit... too much, maybe. I don't feel much for rewriting older articles, though. Like Funky Kong once said: "I can barely tell rewrite from rewrong anymore!"

Anyway... let's get to it, shall we? In no order at all. It should be known that most of these are not very serious. Also, I dunno if it's still necessary, but spoilers for Donkey Kong Country Returns!

1. Krusha is afraid of milk.

Why? Why not.

This spawned from a silly running gag between me and a close friend of mine. We both like DK and drawing, you know? And I have these cool figures of the three villains in the DKC TV show which I have with me every time I see him. I mentioned once that Krusha was afraid of everything and he asked if Krusha was afraid of milk, too.

Yup. Krusha is afraid of milk.

2. Golden bananas are drugs.

I simply refuse to believe that eating a bit of it transports you to a world full of floating fruit, as seen in Donkey Kong Country Returns.

Of course, this means that the Golden Temple level is all just a mere hallucination and DK and Diddy were trippin' big time. I couldn't possibly put it more unflattering. This gives a whole new, sinister twist to why DK hoards 'em in Donkey Kong 64... eep. Let's just think that he didn't knew about it back then, okay?

I just imagine a certain subculture of Kremlings just laying about in the Northern Kremisphere's hills, playing music and tripping on golden bananas. Cranky's reaction to them should be obvious.

3. Kalimba Tiki is the reincarnation of General Klump, implying the Tikis are Kremling reincarnates.

Why? Because they have the same ranks. Kalimba's got it smack-dab on his face and Klump on his helmet.

You know, when I said 'far-fetched'? I wasn't kidding.

4. King K. Rool smokes a pipe.

I actually got this headcanon idea from a gijinka (=humanized) drawing of him I saw, on my romps on the Internet (this time in Japanese with help from Wikipedia for some reason). The artist sometimes depicted him with a pipe in his maw, er, mouth. I, for some reason, was intrigued by this. It is not shown in the games and show to maintain the E-rating. His parents do not approve. But King K. Rool is a villain and since when have villains been good role-models?

5. Kremlings are mammals.

Niet nieuw, wel absurd.
I elaborated on this issue in the past. Nipples + navel + warm-bloodedness + sometimes hair = mammals. Yup.

6. K. Rool used to wear retainers.

I was always confused by how K. Rool's teeth were so perfectly straight and only in his upper jaw, compared to the other lizards who were more or less snaggle-toothed. Theory; as a kid he wore retainers, and the long fangs in his lower jaw were merely pulled out. Royalty, ya know. They do... silly things.

7. Concerning Baby, Kiddy, and Chunky

The TV show introduced the show-only character Baby Kong, who was a baby that the characters had to take care of. Lijdend voorwerp were Diddy and DK and of course Baby Kong got into all kinds of trouble. Meanwhile, Donkey Kong Country 3: Dixie Kong's Double Trouble had Kiddy Kong, a hefty toddler in a blue pajama that was overeager and prone to break things. Donkey Kong 64 had the scaredy-cat but insanely strong Chunky Kong, while Kiddy was nowhere to be seen. Now what about my theory? These three Kongs are the same individual. I think this because Chunky replaced Kiddy and is said to be the youngest of the group. But what about their names? It isn't entirely unheard of for Kongs to change their names. Take Cranky. He used to be known as Donkey Kong. But then Jr. came along and to avoid confusion, he's now Cranky. Seems that Kongs change their names as they see fit...

8. K. Rool's tail... or the lack thereof

Most notably in Donkey Kong 64, King K. Rool had a beautiful long tail.

It swished from left to right wherever he ran and he wagged it excitedly like a dog when he saw Candy Kong perform a striptease. Unbeknownst to most people, he did in fact have a tail in the early Donkey Kong Country games, but it was barely able to be seen outside of still sprites.

Sprite ripped by Tonberry2k.

Though I don't blame the animators for the cartoon for not giving him a tail, seeing as in all official renders it is impossible to see, and DK64 came after the show. Almost makes me think they gave him a tail to diss the show's animators... Anyway! In DK64, K. Rool still ultimately gets beaten, which sends him flying into the massively enormous K. Lumsy's prison. Cue stomping sounds, sadistic laughing, and frightened yelps. K. Rool is sent flying again, this time far from the camera as to not show any of his wounds.

The next game he stars in, which occurs more than a few years later, features him having no tail (but he does have a most adorable, pudgy round belly, might I add. YES, I find K. Rool's fat tummy adorable. DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT? No? Good.)

Sprite ripped by Frario.

Theory? K. Lumsy ripped K. Rool's tail off with his frantic stomping. And because Kremlings are mammals (I elaborated on this), it doesn't just grow back, either.

9. I kan't see you!

Ridiculous headcanon number one-hundred-and-seven says that K. Rool is a bit blind in his left eye. You know, with the eye tic. A lot of this list concerns K. Rool. Why? Because I like him.

It also makes me sympathize with him even more because my right eye is also really bad and I can't see 3D movies because of this waaah.


And that brings us to the end of this random entry. I hope everyone enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. Blog needs more traffic, anyway...

'til Next time, and thanks for reading!

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